


Like Switches

by theparadoxic



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Confessions, Friendship/Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-26 01:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3832678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theparadoxic/pseuds/theparadoxic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin didn't want to have any regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Switches

On moments he was filled with emotions, Gavin knew exactly what to do to drown it all out. He'd stay home, lock the familiar coldness of his doorknob and put some films on repeat.

 

It wasn't as much of trying to block it all out -- well, maybe just a little -- rather he knew that there was no more of an acceptable manner in which he could contain what he felt.

 

Every day, he'd come in at work and find Ryan in close proximity. And every day, he'd nonchalantly get some coffee (ask Geoff for some cognac and fill it with a few drops) and sit on his old chair in a corner. Every day, he'd pretend it was easy of a task to work with Ryan, trying to make it humorous when some of his frustrations blow apart their recordings.

 

Every day, Gavin would shut down his senses and pretend his feelings for Ryan did not exist.

 

To be fair, it was a stretch to do on his part. After all, the moment he laid eyes on the man he knew he had a teeny bit of crush on him. And not in the intimidated sense like how he made it seem in the beginning; hell, he was smitten the first time he heard Ryan talk. He'd spend nights pondering who had a deeper voice: Haywood or that YouTube dude who sang Chocolate Rain some years ago.

 

Gavin swore to himself that nothing could ever push him to confess what he was feeling for the older man. After all, it was ridiculous to even think that Ryan will take him seriously, let alone consider the fact to say it to the man's face. If anything, Michael and Geoff were the only ones who knew; Michael because he could sense a rat thousands of sewers away, and Geoff because, well, Gavin has had enough of those fingers up his asshole whenever he refused to answer Geoff's annoying questions.

 

And it stayed that way. He kept it to himself very well, did a bang-up job for months and months on end.

 

Until Ray decided to leave Rooster Teeth.

 

Yes, there were shocked faces and sad voices as they parted ways with him, but that night it wasn't the image of the Lads that kept burning the back of Gavin's head. Gavin found his thoughts more philosophical than he expected, because at almost past midnight he was kept awake at the possibility of Ryan leaving sooner than he could ever imagine. If Ray, who knew video games more than anything, left a gaming company without anyone foreseeing it in the office, what more Ryan who was more than talented than he could admit?

 

He was borderline paranoid. Gavin wasn’t going to deny it, it was setting him off the loop. Even during Let’s Plays he tried his best to not be obvious, but to no avail.

 

“Gavin? Are you alright, Gavin?” Jack asked in the middle of a Minecraft recording.

 

“What?” Subtly, he cleared his throat. Silent enough for he himself to question if a sound even came out. “What are you talking about, Jack?”

 

“Something bothering you, buddy?” Geoff butted in.

 

Jack was quick to follow, “Yeah, you’ve been quiet for the past 20 minutes. And when you’re quiet it’s either you’ve got something up your sleeve or something’s bothering you.”

 

Gavin was quick enough to come up with an excuse, “Just didn’t get enough sleep is all.” And it was true. Only 3 hours of sleep to work with was not something to be proud of, not at the age of 26. Luckily, the two gents took his answer as the truth and continued on with the game. Gavin could feel how tense Michael was beside him however, itching to ask what’s up. It’s Michael after all, the one person in the room who could read him even without directly looking at him.

 

But truth be told he was not in the mood to discuss it. What, was he supposed to say he’s afraid that Ryan was going to leave them too? Yeah, he heard that the older man was to easily switch jobs if offered a higher salary elsewhere, and with no hint of remorse whatsoever, and boy was that another reason to calm down or what.

 

“I um, I’m just gonna get some coffee, guys.” Gavin didn’t wait for anyone’s permission. He didn’t have to. He stood right up and headed to the kitchen without a second glance. Yet even after two mugs of strongly brewed coffee, he felt like everything was out of place. The only thing that somehow reminded him of reality was a gentle vibration in his pocket.

 

Ryan, of all people, sent him a text, “What’s bothering you?”

 

Gavin gulped. His fingers were shaking as he typed a response, “Nothing, nothing. Tell Geoff I’m already walking back. Just took a little tinkle.”

 

“I don’t care about Geoff. I’m worried about you.”

 

As if something was stuck in his chest, Gavin had to read it twice, thrice, in order to make sure he saw the text correctly.

 

When he was sure that it was from Ryan, he fought a smile. Clearing his throat, he finished his coffee and walked back into the office.

 

He caught Ryan glancing at him from the side.

 

And god damn, if that didn’t set Gavin off for the next game, he wasn’t sure what did.

 

As he craved for sleep that night he thought about sending Ryan something. He remembered that he never bothered to send a message after that little thing while getting coffee. (He was a little too giddy to think straight.)

 

“Hey,” Gavin began typing. “How are you?” But then he rolled his eyes and erased it all.

 

With a huff he began again, “I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I was doing fine, but I do appreciate your concern—” Another furious tapping of the backspace button.

 

Simply, he typed, “Good night.” And then he hit ‘send’.

 

Faster than he could even put his phone down, Ryan replied, “Sleeping already? How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m fine. Just fine.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

“How sure?”

 

“VERY sure.”

 

“Alright, I just wanted to know if you’re okay. You were too quiet today. Something must be on your mind.”

 

“Let’s just sleep on it, alright?”

 

“Is it Ray?”

 

How easily Ryan could read him, Gavin would never stop being so surprised. It was one of the things that drew him to the man. Them being opposites on almost everything and yet, on a different scale they shared a connection. Something that Gavin couldn’t put into words.

 

“Yes, about Ray.”

 

“Finally dawned on you that he won’t be with us anymore?”

 

“Something around that area, yeah.” It was inappropriate of a time but Gavin smiled anyway. Something about Ryan understanding him was incredible.

 

At work, around everyone, they weren’t at all the best of friends. Everybody knew that. They bickered about everything. Gavin’s opinions often irritated Ryan’s, and Ryan would often question how complicated Gavin turned simple things into. Halfway into lunch they’d continue to get into each other’s nerves, at one point Lindsay swore one of them was about to stab someone in the eye. They had to prepare seating arrangements for everyone after that.

 

But in the retreat of their own rooms at night, where nobody could judge them, where nobody else could see and hear them, it’s as if an entirely different relationship switched itself on around Gavin and Ryan. Given, they would still disagree about everything, but messaging each other made things a lot simpler. They could listen without being interrupted, they could understand without being insulted. They’d still get on each other’s nerves – Ryan still thought Gavin often complicated things and Gavin still thought Ryan’s a wee bit shallow for underestimating him – but not a night went by without them sealing their talks on a good note.

 

It was a side of their relationship nobody else knew.

 

And that was exactly why Gavin was more than just anxious to see the day Ryan exit his life.

 

He’s developed feelings for the man the very first time their scientific argument over the phone turned into an emotional rollercoaster. It wasn’t Gavin’s intention to talk about his childhood but at one point it did open a door for Ryan to trust him enough with his own familial issues. One personal topic turned into two, until they often talked about their lives more than they argued about petty things in the office.

 

And that’s when Gavin knew, that he couldn’t possibly let Ryan just go like that.

 

If in the morning Ryan suddenly announced his resignation out of nowhere (e.g. Ray Narvaez, Jr.) Gavin wouldn’t really know how to react.

 

More importantly, he wouldn’t know how to keep his feelings to himself.

 

He tossed and turned and tossed some more, hoping he could get his mind off it. Perhaps he was just overthinking about it. Ryan wouldn’t do that. Ryan would never. Ryan and he, they share something special. Ryan would never leave him just like that.

 

But it didn’t stop Gavin from lighting up his phone again.

 

He stared at Ryan’s number, the blank screen waiting to be filled with Gavin’s thoughts.

 

“He’s probably asleep by now…” Gavin mumbled to himself.

 

So he sat up, started typing frantically.

 

Because fuck it, Gavin might wake up in the morning and get into an accident. He might wake up and never get to tell Ryan what he really felt. How much he’s grown fond of him, how he couldn’t get by a day without talking to him – even about mundane things they see on video games or just sharing a dumb conversation about the broken coffee machine in the office. Gavin couldn’t imagine how he could forgive himself if he didn’t tell Ryan how much he couldn’t believe someone so stubborn, so opinionated, so vile and reckless could exist, and someone like Gavin could fall in love with him. So in love with him that if every morning were up to him, he’d make horrible breakfast for Ryan and make him eat it, because he could tell that Ryan would be the only human being on the planet to appreciate him enough to stand his lack of culinary skills. Gavin would come home at night and make love to him, laugh with him, and fall asleep with him, only to wake up again in the morning to make even more bad food for them to share and vomit together.

 

Gavin didn’t want to risk not telling Ryan that he’s scared, he’s terrified to live his life without letting Ryan know how he really felt. How much he wanted Ryan, despite all the odds and the barricades, all the stupid rules and the people who might stand in their way of being together. There was nothing more that Gavin could do but at least let Ryan know, if needed be then he’d fight, he would fight for them – fuck, he’d at least try, because he couldn’t imagine a day without Ryan's presence. That maybe it might be ridiculous and impossible at the moment but Gavin was as sure as he could ever be that it was exactly what he’s feeling, and he’d rather give it a shot than wake up in the morning and lose a chance altogether.

 

Because Gavin was not going to pretend he didn’t care. He cared more than Ryan will ever know, and it used to not matter whether or not Ryan was aware of such a fact, but ever since Ray’s departure Gavin realized how short of a time they’re left to share together. And if Ryan wasn’t going to make a move, then at least he’s honest about his feelings for the man.

 

And then, with the slightest ounce of hesitation (and a hell lot of what seemed like palpitations), he tapped ‘send’.

 

Because who would remember in the morning, right?

 

Gavin breathed out, “Whatever happens is for the best. At least I tried. I told him everything.” He looked onwards into the nothingness of his room and got on his feet.

 

As he headed towards the washroom his phone lit up.

 

Ryan replied, “You have no idea how happy I am right now, Gavin.”


End file.
